You Can Still Be Free
by Ctarsis
Summary: Tobias's thoughts; a songfic to SG's "You Can Still Be Free," as the title implies.


_Cool breeze and autumn leaves  
Slow motion daylight  
A lone pair of watchful eyes  
Oversee the living_

I flew higher, higher, all the time watching the world beneath me.

The wind buffeted me as the thermals lifted me up. Leaves swirled on the earth below, swirling about over fallen treetrunks. The storm that had occurred recently had been one of the worst, and it had resulted in a lot of damage.

My tree was still standing, but several branches had been ripped off.

I had spent a bad night, for several reasons.

The first was that the storm was making the hawk inside nervous. Storms had never scared me much as a child – as a human child – I suppose I had more problems. Besides, storms like that always seemed to keep my uncle too busy getting drunk to come and bother me. I guess they scared him, and he drank to dull the fear.

The fact that the hawk was so upset made the human acutely aware of its presence.

_Feel the presence all around  
A tortured soul, a wound unhealing  
No regrets or promises  
The past is gone_

The second reason was that Rachel and I had just had another fight.

What else is new? Lately, that seems to be all she cares about. Me being human. Me being with her.

She's a strong girl. But I guess there are times when she needs someone. Someone to tell her that it's okay. Someone she knows would care.

And I guess she doesn't want that to be a bird.

I'm not a human anymore. The past is done with. Elfangor – my father – gave me a gift, and maybe flying, maybe being a hawk really is a gift. Maybe, as I sometimes think, it's a curse.

But either way, what is, is.

I don't regret staying as a hawk. Well, maybe I do, sometimes, when I see how hurt she is. But later, I don't really regret it. Not when I'm up in the air, as free as a...well...bird. Freedom is nice. If I am free. Sometimes I wonder.

_But you can still be free  
If time will set you free  
Time now to spread your wings  
To take to flight, to live endeavor_

I soared a bit higher, spreading my wings as far as I could. The thermals buoyed me up.

For me, flying was as natural as shopping was for Rachel.

_Rachel._

I'd heard a song earlier, when we'd been in the mall. All of the Animorphs, hanging out. Ax wanted a cinnamon bun. Rachel wanted to shop. Rachel wanted to drag Cassie with her. Jake and Marco wanted to play video games.

I went because everyone else did.

**We wandered around, Rachel and I, after the others left. I heard a song playing. "You Can Still Be Free" or something like that.**

I thought about it a lot afterwards.

I finally told Rachel I had to go. I felt bad about leaving her – or maybe I just felt like I should – but I looked forward to escaping from the mall. It made the hawk almost as nervous as the storm did.

"I have to go."

"Already?" Rachel said, disappointed, a hint of impatience in her voice. "Tobias, why don't you just –"

"I don't want to get into it." I cut her off, more harshly than I'd intended to. "Rachel, why can't you accept that I want to be like this?!"

"You want to be a –" she lowered her voice, not wanting anyone else to hear "–a _hawk_?"

"I guess I do." Seeing the hurt in her eyes, I added, "For now."

"How long is for now?" she demanded. "How long is 'just until the war is over'? What happens then? Then what do you do to stay as a _bird_ – say, 'Just for a little while longer'?!"

"No. Of course not."

Inwardly, I wondered. How could I ever go back to being human?

"Fine," she snapped, in a very un-Rachel-like way. There was a hint of a pouting third grader in her voice. "Fine. Go ahead. See you later."

She spun on her heel and stomped off to The Gap.

As I walked away, I didn't even feel guilty.

_Aim for the burning sun  
You're trapped inside  
But you can still be free  
If time will set you free  
But it's a long, long way to go_

The song kept repeating itself in my head.

_If time would set me free._ That was a laugh. Time had doomed me. Two hours of time had wrecked my life – or perhaps blessed it – but had taken away my old form and imprisoned me in the form of a hawk.

But maybe time was healing the wound. Maybe, just maybe, in time things would change. Maybe Rachel would accept it. Maybe I'd become human again.

I was trapped, but at the same time I was free. The decision was still ahead of me. I didn't have to choose yet.

If it meant losing Rachel, well, then it meant losing her. If she couldn't accept it...

I shook the thought off.

I didn't regret it, but I felt like I should have. I felt like I was just being a fool. A whimsical, fanciful fool who doesn't even know the entirety of what he is thinking.

Losing Rachel? How could I?

_Keep moving, way up high  
You see the light, it shines forever  
Sail through the crimson skies  
The purest light, the light that sets you free  
If time will set you free_

The sunset flooded a red hue on the horizon. Despite all my gloomy thoughts, despite all the times I'd seen it before, it still thrilled me.

I wanted to chase the sky.

Like that made any sense.

Rain began to drizzle, and the wind blew harder. Maybe we'd have another storm. I glanced behind me and saw the grey storm clouds billowing on the opposite horizon.

Regretfully, I reversed direction and began heading back to my tree.

My home.

For now.

_Sail through the wind and rain tonight  
You're free to fly tonight  
And you can still be free  
If time will set you free_

The haunting tones of the song followed me all the way back. I'd flown farther than I'd thought.

Just as I swooped into my tree, the rain began to pour.

I sank my talons into the bark of my favorite branch and let the wind blow around me. The hawk was still jumpy, still uptight, still tense. But at least my human mind was occupied.

_And go up high on a mountaintop  
And go high, like the wind, don't stop  
And go high  
Free to fly tonight_

I closed my eyes slowly.

One day.

One day, I'd have to choose.

_But not yet,_ I thought with some amount of relief. _Not yet._

_Free to fly tonight...  
Free to fly tonight...  
Free to fly tonight..._

  
  


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The song is "You Can Still Be Free" by Savage Garden, for those of you who didn't know. Thanks for reading. Please review. This is the first songfic I've attempted that has not been part of one of my fanfic series, so any & all criticism is welcome. Also, if you know where to find this particular MIDI, please [email me][1].

* * *

   [1]: mailto:cnalintre@hotmail.com



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